Northbound / Southbound

 It seems to me that more and more people are more and more angry over "the state of things" (whatever that may be) and as a result lash out and have tunnel vision, not seeing beyond their own noses. 

I will not get political, or jump on the latest to vax or not to vax bandwagon. I will not talk about who the President is, shortcomings of any one political party etc.. If you want that argument, there are millions of far left and far right blogs out there that can keep you busy all day. It is not here. 

The main problem I see here in society as a whole, and I mean society world-wide, not just in the good ol' USA, is that we have gotten very black and white with our views on, well, everything.  We as a population have become uber-polarized. I am right, You are wrong...Period...This is not the kind of attitude that makes for harmony and loving relationships. We have spun out of control like an unruly Kindergarten class, and it is something that should concern everyone. 

How do reign this in? How do we put the toothpaste back into the tube? Can we? Do we, as individuals have the will and desire to slow the hell down and look at the big picture. The wonderful thing about freedom of thought is just that. Freedom of thought. The ability to make our own minds up. Just because we have different views on any given subject does not allow us to force our belief on others. It has never worked historically. We have no right to judge others because they have a different opinion from ours.

We have to start by getting our ego in check. The need to lash out has to do more with ego than with anything else. We have  to be right. Period. Full Stop. On the other side of the fence, that person also believes in their opinion and their ego will not concede either. What you have is two steaming bowls of crap looking at each other. 

While one sees the sky as blue, the other will say it is green, and no matter what you say, you are wrong. The sky is not blue. At that point, they refuse to listen to any evidence that shows that the sky is indeed blue. The ego of the blue skyer is now to the point that they are on a mission to sway the other person and not let up until they admit the sky is blue. To what end? Let them think the sky is green and get on with your day under your blue sky. Maybe somewhere the green sky person will do some research and see that maybe there is a blue sky after all. Of course, it may have to do with what they have been lead to believe all their life. They may have been told by everyone they get their information from, that the actual color blue (to everyone else) is green, thus making them misinformed rather than wrong. They see blue as green. If so, they are in for many arguments throughout their life, and, maybe being told a thousand times by different sources that the sky is blue, they may come around and change their definition. In the meantime, we must live and let live, and allow people to exist in their own little universes. Don't spread hate and discontent just because you have a different opinion or view of things than others.  

Be careful not to get ugly because someone does not agree with you. Don't let the little ego monster inside you get the better of you. If you feel as though you are fighting against the wind, let it go. Great saying from Alcoholics Anonymous : What people think of me is none of my business. Keep that in mind. The road has two lanes. One going North, one going South. People travel in both directions and get to the destination they are bound for. Why try to make the people in the southbound lane follow you and head North? Go to where you are going and let them go where they are going. You will pass each other along the way. Wave and smile. All the rest is bullshit.

We go into ego a bit deeper in my book The Self Help Book for People Who Hate Self Help Books, Order today and enjoy!

Have a super day...Northbound OR Southbound. 

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Escaping your Comfort Zone

 We tend to wall ourselves into a comfort zone. A place where we are not afraid, angry, overly joyful, any feeling that is more than what we are used to. 

I have seen this as a counselor, AA Sponsor, and my involvement with Al Anon members.  The norm, whatever that may be becomes a comfort zone.  In abusive relationships it becomes every day status quo. The abuser will abuse. It is expected and accepted. The alcoholic will come home drunk. It is expected and accepted. The hoarding, over-eating, gambling, sex addiction will continue because it is expected and accepted. Why??

From the outside looking in, we see people going through this and ask why they allow all this to happen. How can they stand this day after day?  It is much like the frog in the boiling water. If you put a frog in cold water and let it heat to boiling, the frog will just sit there until it boils to death. If you throw frog into water already at the boil, it will jump out, which of course is the sane thing to do. Too many people have slowly boiling comfort zones. Eventually they will just boil to death.

Getting out of one's comfort zone is a scary thing. It involves the unknown (or unremembered) and sometimes being on one's own. When you have become (co) dependent on a relationship or situation, venturing out can be terrifying. You have to think to yourself that anything has got to be better than what is going on now.  Seek counseling, AA, Al Anon, Energy Healing. Whatever is going to nudge you to take a look at yourself and help you make positive changes.

Now, all that being said, remember comfort zones are not exclusive to relationships. They are also relevant to things like jobs, career choices, and attitudes. A good example would be someone who hates their job, and wants to change it, but their comfort zone may be the income. We go into what if  thinking which we talked about in an earlier blog. Sometimes you need to just DO IT. Fear is the biggest block we face. I had a martial arts master tell me that fear never killed anyone. It is the reaction to fear that is the killer.  But that is an entirely different blog. Overcome the fear and you can do anything you want. Take that first step. 

I talk fear more in my book The Self Help Book for People Who Hate Self Help Books.

May you have a wonderful day, and take that first step. 

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ADD TO CART is not a therapy

 

No Doubt we have all felt the effects of solitude and separation- anxiety during the Pandemic of 2020. There are only so many re-runs of That 70's Show you can watch before you want a change.  

Some turn to various interests such as drawing, writing, music, painting, arts and crafts and the like. Others turn to online shopping. 

I actually got this idea from a meme I saw posted. 

Therapist: "And what do we say when we are feeling lonely and depressed?"

Patient: "Add to Cart."

Therapist: "NO!"

The meme, of course was meant to be funny. But there is more truth in it than we care to admit.  

With the way things are, we can't just go to the store the way we used to.  It's an adventure now. Masks, gloves, wrapping yourself in clear-wrap and the like. Then they only allow a certain number to people to enter at any one time and you are stuck in the cold, or the heat (Vegas in the Summer) waiting your turn to go in and try to maintain 6 feet between you and every other human being in the store.  UGH! 

So, society has embraced online shopping more than ever.  It is a good thing, you can get anything you want from the safety of your own home. Or is it?  We are forced into solitude and isolation by the rules. (You may insert your own rant here...I will keep my thoughts to myself). Humans by nature are not solitary creatures. We thrive on relationships and human contact. We need to feel the touch of a friend, have a shoulder to literally cry on, or just sit in a room and talk to each other.  Facetime, Zoom, Messaging, all that is fine to a point, but none of that replaces the human contact that is genetic to human beings.  (Or any animal that is not a solitary hunter).  

So, we hole up in our caves and try to replace that need with buying crap. Hey, don't get me wrong, I get a lot of stuff on line now instead of going to the Mart. Essentials. Stuff I would get on a daily basis. If I don't need t today, I can prime my way to delivery tomorrow. 

I am, of course talking about the online shopping experience that involves hours of boredom-scrolling through your shopping platform(s) of choice and buying on impulse. Things you would never think to buy or even want to buy if you were out in the shopping wild.  We justify it by saying to ourselves I am not doing anything else, why not treat myself to a.....(fill in useless thing you will never use here). 

Admittedly,  I have done my share of this too, but never to excess. I may think I need a new computer keyboard that lights up, buy it, and low an behold, I am typing on it now. Did I need it? Not really. But it is something I justify because I actually wanted it and did a search for it. Pre-meditated shopping! 

Only you can decide what is ADD TO CART binge shopping to fill a void in your life. But like anything else, admitting you are doing it is the first step. Only you can be your own shopping police. Be aware, be conscious of what you are doing and why. Get up, walk around and think Do I really need or want this thing before you ADD TO CART.  You might even save a little money!

You might do one more add to cart and order my book. The Self Help Book for People Who Hate Self Help Books.

Available on Amazon and Nook, iBooks and other e readers.

Have a great day!

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The Clock is Ticking

 So, Here is a thought for you. Procrastination sucks. 

Time is all there is in the NOW, and it seems to go by faster the older we get. Being in my sixth decade, I cannot believe how fast it goes by. It seem like the minute you get the Christmas lights down, you have to turn around and put them up again. 

When we were kids, time dragged on. School days lasted for hours on end, and the only time it seemed that time sped up was either when you had a paper due, or you were out playing and had to come in.  The big difference is that as you grow older, you become more aware of the time. You begin to deal with schedules. You have appointments. You have kids that are in sports, you have a job, you have a family, and suddenly time just accelerates and you "have no time to do anything but what you have to do." 

I have a daily planner as most organized people do. I have had to get into the habit of actually using it. I know everyone of you has started the year with a planner, sat down with good intentions, and at the end of the year, January is nicely filled out, then nothing except birthdays and anniversaries that you filled in the first day that you had it.  Do yourself a favor and use your planner. Along with the appointments and the stuff you have to do, block out a time during each day to not do anything, and stick to it. It does not have to be a huge amount of time, just a time every day around your other stuff to hang out with yourself. 

I sell cars, so my days are spent full on waiting for the next customer to walk in or on the phone trying to generate the next buyer. So when I am at work, I try to be productive with my time. I also block out a little time during each day to decompress. Even if it's only 15 minutes. On my days off, I do stuff with my wife, but there is always a me time  block there to just be with me.  I like to take short naps in the afternoon on my days off. I always have time to do that, because it recharges my spirit and body. Napping is not wasting time, it is a necessary time to let the body slow down. There has been much research done on the benefits of napping, and many large corporations encourage a 15 -20 minute power nap which has been shown to increase productivity. 

But let's get back to the main point of time. We cannot get time back. Procrastination is a killer. We tend to procrastinate over the things we don't like to do. Doing taxes, cleaning house, seeing the doctor or dentist, emptying the cat box. All things that if left for later  can turn bad. We would rather just sit around on the computer, or watch TV or do anything other than what needs to be done. And funny enough, once you do get the stuff done, a lot of the time you will ask yourself, why didn't I do that sooner?  

Budget your time. It goes by fast. My wife was raised by British parents, and over the last 20 years with her, we have never missed tea time. It is a great habit, because it makes you slow down and take a break from the day. In Mexico, they have mid day siesta. Very smart. Anything to break the stress of the day up. You need to find your own way to break the day up and take time for just you. You will find that your stress levels will drop a lot!

I cover this in my book,  The Self Help Book for People Who Hate Self Help Books.   

Here is an excerpt from the chapter "There is no Present Like the Time"

*******************************************************

How much time do we waste doing … whatever...?  We have to sleep, we have to eat, we have to work.  In this day and age, we have to check our email, we have to look at Facebook (to see what all our thousands of friends are doing). I suppose if you took a stopwatch, and timed all the things that distract you, you would be amazed, no, GOBSMACKED by how much time you devote to useless, aimless distractions.  We all do.  And, as the technology gets more advanced, we will continue to divert our creativity to the tiny micro-processors in our devices. We will, in a sense, become the BORG. Like in Star Trek, Next Generation. All of us part human, part machine, run by one group conscious in our wearable tech.  Look around you.  How many people do you see with their heads in their smart phone or smart watch? A little scary, huh? Now, let’s just play with some hypothetical numbers.

 

Say the average guy or gal spends 1 hour on their phone a day doing useless, mindless crap.  Now let’s insert that into a business setting that has, say 50 people working there. Already you see that there is 50 hours a day of lost production.  Over a 5-day work week, that would be 250 hours a week of lost production.  Let’s say each person makes 20.00 per hour.  That comes to $5,000.00 a week that the company is spending on people doing meaningless stuff on their phone. ($260,000 a year). That's a lot of money spent for people to play silly games, or comment on someone's restaurant choice.

***********************************************************************************

That is, or course, a rather simple example, but you get the point.

Time and Tide wait for no man. - Geoffrey Chaucer

It is a fact that we are only here in this incarnation for a very short time. A blip on the evolutionary clock. It is only common sense, then, to make the best of that time and not fritter it away.  Balance your time wisely and you will find you get more done and feel better about yourself. Have a wonderful day. 

Links to my book

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How Important Is It?

 We all get stressed over all kinds of stuff.  Getting stressed or angry over things that you think affect your life, whether they do or not, is a waste of time and energy. 

It goes back to not letting stuff rent space in your brain. When something gets you to the point of boiling over, or your head exploding, 💥 you have to ask one simple question to put it all in perspective.  How Important is IT?  Trust me, a lot of the stuff that gets you to that point is never as bad as you think it is. 

Perception is important.  If you perceive something to be terrible, or give it the importance to ruin your day or your week, IT WILL.  Asking How Important is It gives the you a chance to rate the problem.

Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 with one being not terribly bothersome  to 10 being  If I don't do something about this someone could get hurt... 

An example of a "1" would be when you get your favorite coffee from take out and they get the order wrong.  Now, you can go in and make an ass out of yourself yelling a screaming, and accomplish nothing,  OR you can ask, How Important is It? Drink it the way it is and go on with your day.  Or, go back in and politely inform them that they got you order wrong. They will take care of it with a smile most of the time, and everyone is a winner. DON'T CALL 911. (Trust me...it happens). 

I used to close my morning radio show with the phrase "Don't sweat the small stuff, It's all small stuff..."  It's true. No matter how insurmountable something seems, there is always an answer. Sometimes the answer may not be the answer YOU had in mind, but there is ALWAYS an answer. That which does not kill me makes me stronger." --Friedrich Nietzsche

Always score stuff on How Important is it?  It puts a lot of things into proper perspective. Any artist will tell you, If the perspective is off, even just a little it throws the whole painting out of whack, The same goes for every day "problems".

The more ZEN you can be about things, the better off you are. Call it self control, internal anger management, or just letting go and letting God. Much of what happens with us is by divine plan. It has nothing to do with religion, the divine plan is what the universe has already put into play.  I does not mean to throw your hands up and just let it happen. The divine always needs help and effort. The divine does not write anything in stone. It is always changing. Like the stock market. Some days are better than others. It's like surfing. Ride the wave. If you fall, another wave will be along.  It's all part of the plan. The eternal now. Stay in the present. 

Check out my book. The Self Help Book for People Who Hate Self Help Books.

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Be A Teacher

 Be a Teacher.  Pass on what you know. In other words, allow others to learn from you. Being a teacher does not necessarily mean you must sit people down and lecture to them about your opinions or beliefs.  That is not really teaching.  It is a different thing if you are a seminar speaker, or doing actual formal classes.  When I speak of being a teacher, teach by example. Answer questions rather than offering unsolicited advice.  Let them come to you. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Trying to teach anyone who is not ready is a waste of time and energy on both parts. 

Do not under any circumstances try to fake teaching something you do not know.  I know a lot of people who try to guide others and don't have a clue what they are saying. The blind leading the blind as it were. If someone comes to you seeking answers, sometimes the correct answer is "I'm sorry, I don't know".  You don't have to be a Guru.  No one will think less of you if you don't know. If you fake it, then you are just a snake oil salesman. 

Put ego aside, and allow people to learn from you. If I ask you, "What is the meaning of life? Maybe will you say "It is simple. You just be good to people and you will be happy..." That, of course is YOUR meaning (of life).  When I am asked a question like that, I may answer, "What does it mean to you?"  Ninety Percent of questions people ask they already know the answers to. They just have to be reminded that they already know it. 

Part of being a teacher to to always be a student. No one has all the answers. Wisdom comes from a conglomeration of different inputs. 

Zen Masters learn from many teachers. ZEN is not a religion. It is a series of understandings that lead to inner peace and understanding of all that which is around you. Always learn, Do not judge, do not let your ego lead you to thinking that you know everything. We have the knowledge inside us, but until we awaken the knowledge, we do not have it consciously. 

The same goes for being spiritual vs religious. I am not going to cheer for one side or the other.  Religious people believe one way, one truth. Spiritual people may have several beliefs based on several religions. They are, really two sides of the same coin.  Jesus, Buddah, Mohammed, (Obi Wan Kenobi) were all amazing teachers. When it comes down to it, we all want to treated by others the way we would treat them. TEACH goodness by example. Everything else will fall into place.

Please order and read my book: The Self Help Book for People Who Hate Self Help Books.

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God Bless and Pass on what you know.

If It Is Renting Too Much Space In Your Brain...Evict It!

 I had a coworker say to me, after a particularly frustrating day in car sales, "Don't let those people rent space in your brain for one more minute." 

I've held on to that over the years and have used that analogy many times. Whether it's coworkers, customers, relatives, or even things posted on Facebook or Twitter. If you take stuff on board and let it rent space in your brain that could be used for other things, you need to evict it!

The media, for all the cool stuff that's out there, is a perfect example of a vehicle that plants things in our mind and then keeps it in front of us. Even if we don't want to obsess over something, the media forces us to by keeping it in front of our face all the time. Whether it's politics, health, covid-19, vaccinations, how horrible things are in general, whatever it may be. We're in a society where forced obsession is the way of things, and it can be very scary. It's very hard to just let all of that go... but it can be done. 

If you can meditate or get inside yourself and center your being to where you can shut out all of the negative influences coming into your mind, you will find it much easier to let go of these things that you obsess about.

One thing you can do, is not watch the news or surf the internet... Facebook, Twitter, all those things where these negative influences come into your brain right before bed.

 The mind has a way, as you know if you've ever suffered from insomnia, of having everything in the world cave in on your brain all at once in the middle of the night. For some reason, that is the ultimate time to worry about shit. I have literally woken up in the middle of the night and thought about stuff to worry about that I would never think about during daylight hours. It's amazing the stuff that your mind can come up with. I try to tell it to stop thinking about it, and of course I start thinking about the fact that I'm not thinking about the thing I don't want to think about. It is, a vicious cycle.

There are many good meditations websites out there. But really all you need to do is find a good piece of meditation music on your music player, start it, close your eyes for 20 minutes and just concentrate on the music or the sounds of nature that are playing. If you find your mind wavering just bring it back to your main thought of "I am meditating nothing else is coming into my brain other than the music or the sounds of nature." There are a lot of guided meditations out there. I use the ones by Deepak Chopra a lot. 

I've heard it said many times that the brain cannot think two thoughts at the same time. If you're anything like me, your brain tries very hard to disprove that theory. Again meditation, zeroing in on one thought, one color in your mind, one sound of nature, will help you to get rid of all of those thoughts that are hammering into your consciousness. 

I heard a speaker in AA once referred to the thoughts in your brain as the committee. The committee will always try to convince you one way or another. Think of it as a bunch of old guys in white powdered wigs sitting across from each other and arguing why something is good and why it is not good. The committee will be the first to tell you why you should do something that's bad for you, and why you shouldn't do something that's good for you. I talk about the committee a lot in my book The self-help book for people who hate self-help books. 

Don't get these confused with voices in your head because that is a clinical diagnosis for a much deeper problem. Every human being has thoughts racing around that we seemingly have no control over. The only thing we can do is try to override those thoughts with other, hopefully better thoughts. 

Again you're not going to achieve this on the first day of rushing into doing a meditation. It will gradually, over several days or weeks, first become a habit, and become easier as you go along because you learn how to focus on the now. Remember that living in the now is the key to serenity and keeping yourself from obsessing over things that are beyond your control.

Please follow these links to my book The Self-Help book for people who hate self-help books. It's available on Amazon and also through nook, iBooks, and several other e-readers by clicking the link below. Have a wonderful day.

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