Have an "Imperfect" Day

 I actually posted this in 2017, but I think it is worth re-visiting. A reminder that perfection is all a state of mind, and in many cases, unattainable.  From FEB. 2017: 

"No one is perfect".  How many times have we heard this or even used it as an excuse for lack of knowledge or experience?  

The whole perfection thing is a lot of pressure. We are raised to be the best we can be. That is WAYYYY different than being perfect.

You don't have to be perfect. Perfection is a illusion. It's unattainable. It's a unicorn.  Great to imagine, but in real life, it's still a horse with a horn glued to its head.  

However, there is a way, somewhat Taoist to look at this. If you have have imperfections, and those imperfections make up the person you are, then it would only fit that you are perfect in your imperfection. You are the perfect you. 

We are hit from all sides with media and peer pressure to look a certain way, or dress with a certain style, or have a perfect hair style yadda yadda yadda.....It tends to make one very self conscious about one's self.  You hear the horror stories every day. Young kids turning to drugs, self mutilation, depression, isolationism, suicide...all for what? Because they don't fit in with the latest trend. 

True, some people are genetically predisposed to "good looks" or "athleticism" or brilliance...and some are not as attractive, or strong or smart.  Nature will always balance. Yes, it has been proven that mates tend to gravitate toward the strongest of the herd. Or the prettiest..(example Bird of Paradise). In nature, this is for survival of the species. Humans do not have that problem. We get together, hang out, have sex with each other and boom....on goes the species. And yes, sometime alcohol is involved that makes you pair up with someone that for whatever reason you would not normally pair up with. 

Point is, there is someone for everyone. What I find unattractive in someone, the next person with see as the one they have been looking for all their life...perfect in their imperfections.  A lot of "imperfection" has to do with self image.  We all can do things to make changes in what we see as faults in ourselves. All good. Make those changes.  Embrace those changes. But, be sure you are doing it for the right reason. You can not be beautiful to others until you are beautiful to yourself.  You can only love others when you love yourself first.  Embrace your imperfections and love them. Life is a wonderful thing once you  realize that you don't have to be a clone on the model on TV who is pushing the latest "make yourself perfect" product.  Just be the best you that you can be.  

Have an "imperfect" day!

LET GO AND LET GOD ... Another Bumper Sticker Story

     As many of you know, I am a proud member of Alcoholics Anonymous, have have spent more than 30 years both learning and teaching in the program.  AA and Al-anon have, over the years, been cubby-holed by some as Those slogan groups.  You know... You will see bumper stickers, or go to a meeting for the first few times and will no doubt hear people say "One day at a time (ODAT), Keep it Simple, Easy Does It, Let Go and Let God, It works if you work it."  To the outsider, these may seem to be just slogans, or bumper stickers or cheerleading for sobriety. BUT to people that are in the program, really working it, they become mantras to a new way of life. 

I am not here to extol the virtues of 12 step programs. But I would like to share a story with you that happened to me a little over a year into my sobriety.

It was late summer, 1984. I had just completed a year and a half in Broadcasting school, and the same amount of time in AA, it was time to make a move. With my bags packed, and a new car, I set out on the road armed with my diploma, tapes of what I could offer a radio station smart enough to hire me, and the wind at my back. No computers or smartphones at the time, but I did have a radio station guide that listed every station in the United States. SO I began to cold-call visit, sometimes just leaving my tape and resume, and sometimes talking to Program Directors. 

It was not long until a bit of reality set in and I was to realize that it was not going to be an easy task, this radio thing.  I listened to DJs on all kinds of stations as I drove, trying to pick up some style pointers. My route was through Northern California, Nevada, Las Vegas, L.A. and across to Phoenix, Az.  From there up to New Mexico, Texas and who knew from there. 

I arrived in Phoenix. I visited a total of four stations there, and was turned away from all, mostly due to lack of on air experience, which is what I was getting pretty much everywhere.  It was 110 degrees, I was worn out and lost. I could not seem to find my way out of town. Frustrated and feeling very sorry for myself. I felt like I needed a drink very badly. My next stop was a bar. Any bar.  I was going to figure out my next move over a couple or more beers.  

I was sitting at a red light, and the car behind me tooted his horn.  I rolled my window down, pointed at the red light and gave him a WTF hand gesture. When the light turned green I peeled away from the light only to catch the next red light. The car behind me pulled up beside me, and again honked his horn. He rolled his passenger window down, I rolled my window down and asked him, in a not so friendly tone, what the hell he wanted?  He smiled, and said, "I saw your Easy Does It bumper Sticker. Saw you were from California, and you look a little stressed. I'm headed for a meeting up the block? Wanna Follow me?"

I was gob-smacked. My higher power had stepped in when I needed help and sent an angel to show me HIS will.  I went to the meeting, and the topic was HIS will HIS way (vs. HIS will MY way). We all want to think we are in control, and want to hold on to a tiny thread of control even if we turn it over to God. I am not get religious here, I use the term GOD to define any power greater than yourself or Higher Power as we more often refer to it. 

The man who honked at me was Carl, and he and I remained friends over 20 years until he died. That one moment in time may have saved my life. 

Remember, when you turn your will and life over to the care of God as you understand Him, Her or It, you also have to recognize when your higher power puts the answer in front of you. I go into that a little deeper in my book: The Self Help Book for People Who Hate Self Help Books

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In the meantime, remember that the answers are always in front of you. Sometimes you need to get your ego out the way to see the solution. 

Have a Great Day!

Nothing Matters Much and Very Little Matters at All

 My late father-in-law was a brilliant man. He lived a long, happy life. One of his mantras was Nothing Matters Much, and Very Little Matters at All. There is a very deep train of thought here. It is a lot like trying to conceptualize the universe being infinite without trying to figure out where the universe is contained.  It's a little more than we can comprehend without being Stephen Hawking or at least in the company of that type of brain-pan. 

In the great scheme of things, we may make a small difference in the world, much like George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life. But in the big picture, we have to remember that we, as humans have done a lot in the history of us, but we have been here for but a sneeze in the history of time. All the hand wringing about saving the planet is a bit of a pipe dream. At some point we will, as a species, likely go extinct. It is a given, and when humans are no longer here, the planet will heal itself. That's what mother Earth does. She has done it many times before, and will do it again. At one time the dinosaurs were the ruling species. They were here for far longer than humans, and I am sure that all that Methane from all the dino-poo and T-Rex farts were a factor in Jurassic global warming, not to mention all the volcanic activity and swamp gas. The planet is continuously in flux. Boom....asteroid, Dinos done...Planet goes into  years of darkness....but...Mother Earth took a breath and fixed herself. 

We humans are driven by Ego. We think we are the ultimate power in the universe, or at least on the planet. But everything we do, everything we fight for, every cause we back is short term, and the planet only needs saving from US.  No matter how important we think we are, the planet just sees us as an irritant. Like fleas on a dog... A nuisance.  Look at the mountains, the Grand canyon, Oceans, rivers...All that was here WAY before we were here, and Mother Earth did that all by herself without our help. We can shape mountains by excavating for the riches they hold, but we can never build mountains. The fact that a mountain grows at a pace of 1 inch every 1000 years is way too slow for humans to comprehend. The continental plates move about an inch a year. Again way too slow to comprehend. But to the planet, over her life, entire continents have shifted thousand of miles at a rate of an inch or so a year with the occasional jump like a major shift in the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. 17 feet of movement in less than a minute. That certainly got our attention. We called it a disaster. Mother Earth called it taking a breath. It didn't matter much to her. Probably didn't really matter at all. It's what the planet does, and no matter how important we think we are, Mother Earth is going to pre-empt everything we do eventually. 

Human extinction is a concept that we have a hard time getting our heads around. But, be it by our own hand or natural causes like an giant asteroid, or Yellowstone Super-volcanic eruption, we will probably be gone, or at least whittled down to a few thousand survivors. It may be another 100 years, or another 500,000 years. Even if we manage to populate another planet, we are ultimately not in control of anything. The universe will dictate our survival.  

We can only be a part of now. Love now, Live in the now. Because 500 years from now, who is going to remember who you were, or who you loved or what you did for a living? None of it matters much. If you leave a legacy, that will be wonderful. A Mozart, a Chopin, a Jesus. How much will it all matter once you are dust and part of the Mother Earth? 

But there is a chance mankind will evolve and a giant shift will happen. We will learn to live in a totally new way. WE will all make a difference. Maybe we will teleport instead of using vehicles. Maybe we will live in a world where there will no rich or poor. Enlightenment to the point of just being in the now. There will ALWAYS be "bad seeds" but maybe they will be a super-minority. A world of autonomy and respect. Wipe the negative energy from the galaxy for good... and FOR GOOD. Boom! Outta here! Where nothing would matter much, and very little will matter at all because the positivity will just BE. 

And so it is!

And while you are contemplating all that, check out my book, The Self Help Book for People Who Hate Self Help Books! 

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Pick your Battles

 Hey everyone. It's been a month since my last blog, dealing with back some issues that are being fixed, and redesigning my office.

I always cruise through various online sites and blogs and social platforms, and take in both side of everything out there, trying to remain as neutral as possible, which is hard sometimes. I try to practice what I preach. Occasionally, though, something will trip my trigger and I will rant or repost. Hey, we are all human beings being human right? 

There is so much finger pointing  and "I'm right, you're wrong" going on that it is hard to tell who the players are and what the end game is.  I will comment on things, trying to be neutral, although, as I said, it is difficult.  I see pages on all kinds of social media sights where it is extreme one way or another. We have forgotten that a middle ground exists, and right now that middle ground is a deserted landscape where no one wants to go.  It has become an us against them society and we have to deal with it every day, and we all have opinions. 

The point is there is all this input and no outlet. I talk to people that say they feel trapped because they feel as though they can not talk to people about anything (even the weather) without getting into a political battle. This is not good for the mind or the body. Isolation from everyday life is a terrible thing. Fear of communication is a terrible thing. So, here is what I do...

I pick my battles. I talk to people, and if it gets to a point of discomfort, I end the conversation. "I really don't think I want to talk about this further."  The other person can accept it, or reject it. If they insist on drumming on, I will say, "thanks" and get up and walk away. Sometimes the other person will call me names, say that I am scared to face the facts (their version of the facts) and so on. Remember, What you think of me is none of my business. It goes back to the North and Southbound roads. Maintain your direction if that is where your are going. 

When you pick your battles, avoid statement like you should, you have to, I know, you're wrong, I'm right, I did it so you should too, THEY SAY, now listen....you get it. 

I capitalized THEY SAY because 80% of information we think we know comes from THEM. If someone says "They say," stop them and ask them who they is. You will probably get and answer like "The experts."  

Remember the scene in Indiana Jones when Indy asked who was studying the Arc? THEY answered "Top Men." We come to find out that it was boxed up and put in a huge storage house, probably in area 51!! Same thing. "The Experts" refers to I have no idea what I am talking about.

You have to realize that there are people who research and people who just get input. Quit watching the news. That is my first piece of advise. Network and cable news shows are the worst for mucking up the waters. One says this is what's going on while the other channel has the exact opposite happening. There are many trusted sources online no matter which side you are on. It's up to you to sift through and find what you think is right. It's a tricky balancing act.  

Try to be Zen and be an observer of the things going on around you. Don't judge, but glean the positive things from all you observe and put them in your to review mental file. Remember, not all is right or wrong. It is all Here and Now. How WE run with it is up to us. 

Summer reading list should include The Self Help Book for People Who Hate Self Help Books

Available on Amazon and other E-reader platforms

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Have a GREAT day. 

Northbound / Southbound

 It seems to me that more and more people are more and more angry over "the state of things" (whatever that may be) and as a result lash out and have tunnel vision, not seeing beyond their own noses. 

I will not get political, or jump on the latest to vax or not to vax bandwagon. I will not talk about who the President is, shortcomings of any one political party etc.. If you want that argument, there are millions of far left and far right blogs out there that can keep you busy all day. It is not here. 

The main problem I see here in society as a whole, and I mean society world-wide, not just in the good ol' USA, is that we have gotten very black and white with our views on, well, everything.  We as a population have become uber-polarized. I am right, You are wrong...Period...This is not the kind of attitude that makes for harmony and loving relationships. We have spun out of control like an unruly Kindergarten class, and it is something that should concern everyone. 

How do reign this in? How do we put the toothpaste back into the tube? Can we? Do we, as individuals have the will and desire to slow the hell down and look at the big picture. The wonderful thing about freedom of thought is just that. Freedom of thought. The ability to make our own minds up. Just because we have different views on any given subject does not allow us to force our belief on others. It has never worked historically. We have no right to judge others because they have a different opinion from ours.

We have to start by getting our ego in check. The need to lash out has to do more with ego than with anything else. We have  to be right. Period. Full Stop. On the other side of the fence, that person also believes in their opinion and their ego will not concede either. What you have is two steaming bowls of crap looking at each other. 

While one sees the sky as blue, the other will say it is green, and no matter what you say, you are wrong. The sky is not blue. At that point, they refuse to listen to any evidence that shows that the sky is indeed blue. The ego of the blue skyer is now to the point that they are on a mission to sway the other person and not let up until they admit the sky is blue. To what end? Let them think the sky is green and get on with your day under your blue sky. Maybe somewhere the green sky person will do some research and see that maybe there is a blue sky after all. Of course, it may have to do with what they have been lead to believe all their life. They may have been told by everyone they get their information from, that the actual color blue (to everyone else) is green, thus making them misinformed rather than wrong. They see blue as green. If so, they are in for many arguments throughout their life, and, maybe being told a thousand times by different sources that the sky is blue, they may come around and change their definition. In the meantime, we must live and let live, and allow people to exist in their own little universes. Don't spread hate and discontent just because you have a different opinion or view of things than others.  

Be careful not to get ugly because someone does not agree with you. Don't let the little ego monster inside you get the better of you. If you feel as though you are fighting against the wind, let it go. Great saying from Alcoholics Anonymous : What people think of me is none of my business. Keep that in mind. The road has two lanes. One going North, one going South. People travel in both directions and get to the destination they are bound for. Why try to make the people in the southbound lane follow you and head North? Go to where you are going and let them go where they are going. You will pass each other along the way. Wave and smile. All the rest is bullshit.

We go into ego a bit deeper in my book The Self Help Book for People Who Hate Self Help Books, Order today and enjoy!

Have a super day...Northbound OR Southbound. 

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Escaping your Comfort Zone

 We tend to wall ourselves into a comfort zone. A place where we are not afraid, angry, overly joyful, any feeling that is more than what we are used to. 

I have seen this as a counselor, AA Sponsor, and my involvement with Al Anon members.  The norm, whatever that may be becomes a comfort zone.  In abusive relationships it becomes every day status quo. The abuser will abuse. It is expected and accepted. The alcoholic will come home drunk. It is expected and accepted. The hoarding, over-eating, gambling, sex addiction will continue because it is expected and accepted. Why??

From the outside looking in, we see people going through this and ask why they allow all this to happen. How can they stand this day after day?  It is much like the frog in the boiling water. If you put a frog in cold water and let it heat to boiling, the frog will just sit there until it boils to death. If you throw frog into water already at the boil, it will jump out, which of course is the sane thing to do. Too many people have slowly boiling comfort zones. Eventually they will just boil to death.

Getting out of one's comfort zone is a scary thing. It involves the unknown (or unremembered) and sometimes being on one's own. When you have become (co) dependent on a relationship or situation, venturing out can be terrifying. You have to think to yourself that anything has got to be better than what is going on now.  Seek counseling, AA, Al Anon, Energy Healing. Whatever is going to nudge you to take a look at yourself and help you make positive changes.

Now, all that being said, remember comfort zones are not exclusive to relationships. They are also relevant to things like jobs, career choices, and attitudes. A good example would be someone who hates their job, and wants to change it, but their comfort zone may be the income. We go into what if  thinking which we talked about in an earlier blog. Sometimes you need to just DO IT. Fear is the biggest block we face. I had a martial arts master tell me that fear never killed anyone. It is the reaction to fear that is the killer.  But that is an entirely different blog. Overcome the fear and you can do anything you want. Take that first step. 

I talk fear more in my book The Self Help Book for People Who Hate Self Help Books.

May you have a wonderful day, and take that first step. 

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ADD TO CART is not a therapy

 

No Doubt we have all felt the effects of solitude and separation- anxiety during the Pandemic of 2020. There are only so many re-runs of That 70's Show you can watch before you want a change.  

Some turn to various interests such as drawing, writing, music, painting, arts and crafts and the like. Others turn to online shopping. 

I actually got this idea from a meme I saw posted. 

Therapist: "And what do we say when we are feeling lonely and depressed?"

Patient: "Add to Cart."

Therapist: "NO!"

The meme, of course was meant to be funny. But there is more truth in it than we care to admit.  

With the way things are, we can't just go to the store the way we used to.  It's an adventure now. Masks, gloves, wrapping yourself in clear-wrap and the like. Then they only allow a certain number to people to enter at any one time and you are stuck in the cold, or the heat (Vegas in the Summer) waiting your turn to go in and try to maintain 6 feet between you and every other human being in the store.  UGH! 

So, society has embraced online shopping more than ever.  It is a good thing, you can get anything you want from the safety of your own home. Or is it?  We are forced into solitude and isolation by the rules. (You may insert your own rant here...I will keep my thoughts to myself). Humans by nature are not solitary creatures. We thrive on relationships and human contact. We need to feel the touch of a friend, have a shoulder to literally cry on, or just sit in a room and talk to each other.  Facetime, Zoom, Messaging, all that is fine to a point, but none of that replaces the human contact that is genetic to human beings.  (Or any animal that is not a solitary hunter).  

So, we hole up in our caves and try to replace that need with buying crap. Hey, don't get me wrong, I get a lot of stuff on line now instead of going to the Mart. Essentials. Stuff I would get on a daily basis. If I don't need t today, I can prime my way to delivery tomorrow. 

I am, of course talking about the online shopping experience that involves hours of boredom-scrolling through your shopping platform(s) of choice and buying on impulse. Things you would never think to buy or even want to buy if you were out in the shopping wild.  We justify it by saying to ourselves I am not doing anything else, why not treat myself to a.....(fill in useless thing you will never use here). 

Admittedly,  I have done my share of this too, but never to excess. I may think I need a new computer keyboard that lights up, buy it, and low an behold, I am typing on it now. Did I need it? Not really. But it is something I justify because I actually wanted it and did a search for it. Pre-meditated shopping! 

Only you can decide what is ADD TO CART binge shopping to fill a void in your life. But like anything else, admitting you are doing it is the first step. Only you can be your own shopping police. Be aware, be conscious of what you are doing and why. Get up, walk around and think Do I really need or want this thing before you ADD TO CART.  You might even save a little money!

You might do one more add to cart and order my book. The Self Help Book for People Who Hate Self Help Books.

Available on Amazon and Nook, iBooks and other e readers.

Have a great day!

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